Wild Thoughts~

Finally, I am OFFICIALLY an ALUMNI in Monash University. Got my Cert last Saturday 12/11/2011. woot woot!

Well, its nothing big, because I'm done with Monash since last year, just that I couldn't attend the ceremony because I was in the States. Well, get over with it, and yeah!!

Anyways, was just some wild thought and some reminder for myself that life is never an easy, straight thing to understand. People around you, stranger or not, friends or not, buddy or not, sister brother or not, it is so difficult sometimes as it is so diverse among all. You can expect as much as you can or you can least expect as much as you can, either way you will just feel it is a waste of time! Being positive all the time has never been a great help most of the time as being positive means you are ignoring the 'problem' solving stage, or shall I say you are just avoiding. Being negative all the time does not mean you are working on solving problems or finding what is wrong that you should mend it, is just mean that you are over concern on things that might or might not happen, happening or happened.

Well, to tell you the truth, I have been shy and lonely. I have always wanted to put God in my life, I'm not saying God is not in my life, is just I felt so useless and being a disappointment every time. I had been trying my best. I really love God so much, but I really do not know what I can do. I had tried and trying to be closer to God every time. And one day I just hope I can really be with God forever. 

God may or may not done miracle in my life. Maybe did, but I didnt' realise. Maybe God is testing me. Maybe God wants to see how much I really want him. Well, of all, I just want to say, GOD, I LOVE YOU. FORGIVE ME. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE. THE WAY AND THE LIFE FOR ME. God I pray You will just GUIDE ME, HELP ME. Amen~

Another 'wild' thoughts I have is just seeing the differences, the black and white, the ups and downs, the positive and negative, the promises and un-promises, the happy and the sad, the angry and the calm, the random and the straight, the craziness and the proper, the polite and the un-polite, the good and the bad, the friendly and the unfriendly, the weird and the cool, the right and the wrong, the nice and the not nice.....ETC.... All these make me feel that I cannot really depend on anyone at all. Maybe I am just too lonely at this time. I'm not desperate for a gf or a partner or want to get a wife or so. But I felt like my life do not have a proper direction at this moment. I do have so much in my mind, businesses, sales, success, rich, happy, welcomed, invited and etc, but I just do not know where to start. I wanted to talk to certain people, but I just can't find one! I'm not feeling emo, but I am just feeling confuse. I see people being successful, moving forward, great achievement. I won't deny that I am jealous of them, but at the mean time I am so happy for them. But what, who am I? How and Where should I start? WHEN can I be what I want to be?

Hmmm....


I must start now! First things to do, is to throw away my laziness! Lets GO!! I need to be hardworking! I NEED TO BE NOT LAZY ANYMORE! ARRgh~!!! 

Lol~

Reading what I just typed is just too funny. But somehow, I think this is the only way for me to 'release' certain 'sigh' of mine. Hehehe, so please bare with me.

Although my blog is no longer available for the public, (Which I thought of opening back for the public), but I don't think it is the time yet.

My blog will be up and running again soon. Hopefully *finger's cross*!

Christmas is around the corner! HO HO HO!!!
I can't wait till it comes! Looking forward for it! woot Woot!

That's all for now, Till then...

See ya~

'.'

-kimhan-

Aim - less - ly

I'm kinda having some difficulties. Why? because I do not where's my direction at the moment. My life seems so aimlessly and lifelessly. What should I do? hmmm....

I Pray to God that He can Lead me and Guide me and Bless me and Show me and Talk to me~

What's next for me? What's next?

HMmmmm...

'.'

-kimhan-

Now its clearer...~

As for now, i finally see it!

Like the old says, it is hard to know a fren but it is easy to become enemy. Im not saying i bcomin anyone' enemy bt, bt nevertheless, bein my best fren requires mre from that. Im nt expecting my best fren to be perfect or watsoever, bt basic things within our group, u should share. Nt like ur sharing somethin bad or wat.. Im nt pinpointing anyone here bt tis is nt d first time.

Its hard, its reli hard!u can say i think too much or so.. Bt i always been hopeful, cheerful and wishful.. Bt it always turns out opposite! I had been disappointed many many many times.. Bt i nvr say it or show it becos i had been hopeful... Bt it continues and continues... I do nt wan to be 'a stick on a water where u use me to scoop ur stuff then throw me one side'. It is jus an example of me feeling used sOmetimes without caring bout how i feel.. Does anyone actually knw??

Im glad i hav few besty around. And i Thank God for that bcos they jus made my day sometimes. However, im gonna change being tough and tougher. Ive learned my lessons. Last time incident i tot i see it all.. Bt nw, nt saying got incident, i see much mre... I will continue to see and learn...

Srry for expressing boring stuffs... Jus wanna let it out.. :D

K tats all for now..

'.'

-kimhan-

Random thoughts on Friends~

How do you define a friend? Or close friend? Or best Friend? Or Brothers/Sisters?

I finally understand. Finally I see it so clearly. Thanks for making it clearer.

:)

'.'

-kimhan-

bored, loned, tired . . . . ~

I'm bored and tired . . . .

I'm sleepy . . .

I feel so lonely suddenly . . .  Hmm~ feel like my life is in a mess currently . . . Feel so lonely and useless~

God please help!

What should I do? Help~
Who should I need? Help~
How should I handle? Help~
Where should I go? Help~
Which is the right thing? Help~
When can I 'un-mess' this? Help~

Hmm~

'.'

-kimhan-

People that I start to lose faith and trust in~

As you can see from the title, it is clear that I lose faith and trust in certain people. Of course, I never ever will lose faith in GOD.

The thing is, sometimes in your life, you meet up with with so many people, friends, buddies, sisters brothers, close frens, soulmate, collegues, internet friends, and etc etc.... Promises, bonds, trust, agreements, secrets, sharing, and etc will be form throughout the life.. but some how what happen if any one of them had been breached, or broken or just fail?

Yes I do agree people comes and goes in your life except family, relatives and God (unless there are any exceptional cases). I once heard this: to change a relationship (be it gfbf relationship, marry couple relationship, family relative relationship or even jus friendship), you do not change the other side, but to change yourself and to accept it. I do agree on this so much even I tried it before.

Sometimes it is so difficult for me. I feel so breathless, effortless, tiredness and useless. So much I want to do and I can do, but I can't due to certain reasons, or unforseen circumstances. Sometimes when I have so much thought in my mind, I just want to delete everything, or share it with someone (which I never really do this b4 in my life). I kept thinkin n thinkin n thinkin, sometimes even think until I js give up everything. It may be hard for you all to understand wat im tryin to say, but in fact I also dunno how do i translate this feeling here.

I had so many disappointment, broken promises and even back stabbed & lied, untrusted. It reli affects my self esteem so much. I jus wish I can be strong enough to face everything myself, but sometimes I failed. I always show ntg in my life, bt my feelings actually had been so low and down for a very very very long time...U can ask wat happen, i can answer u, ntg! becos the fact is really ntg. is jus past, current, disappointments and those negative aura's had been affecting me and I nvr able to build myself up since from the start.

Yes I am glad all my besty like EL, TH, IV always there jus spend some time together whether it is eating, drinking. They do not knw hw happy I am jus to laugh together with them. And I really appreciate it. It may seem jus a normal outing or so, bt to me it is something that comforts me all the time. Listening to their talk, stories and laughter is enuf for me. At least I knw I hav someone there for me jus to 'cheer' me everytime.

Work had been jus peaceful and slow for me although i have so much to do.. I hav so much plans in my yet i hav nt hav the power to start anything. I always want to challeng myself everytime, doing things that out of my capabilities... Currently I do not have special dislike or like on my job, jus normal, jus feel like working for the sake of the RM 2k and spend my time doing data entries till my eye goes @.@ . . . .

I reli wish and hope I can start lining up my plans and initiate it soon~

Back to main 'topic', Yes few of my past and current had been reli disappointing to me.
Promises broken, Being backstabbed, being ignored for no reasons or for ur own reason(this is so selfish) n etc. Make me feel like s*it~....but wat the H*ll can i actually do??
Damn it, u have life I have life too. but if my life is not worthy for u to at least keep ur promise, dun bother to start all those s*it lar~

Guys girls, who cares, as long as u r my fren, I cherish you, that's all I can say, if u dun cherish our frenship, relationship, sisterhood brotherhood, or watever, dun start then~!!

O well, i wont explain further and dun bother asking me details about this post as i wont say anything. Im here jus to express my disastifaction in certain ppl, certain incidents.

It is a long post, might bore u....Sorry for that...

Had been single for long...Now is time for me to go out hunt for my partner already!!! HAHAHAHA... jk~

Anyway, tats all for now~ I talk to you all later alright?

'.'

-kimhan-

Bull!!

M allgy 2blsht.

Ct d crp n hld ur ars, kp it 2ursf s i blv in krm.

I gs m js antr fllr.

Ur gn b my antr pst.

Dn tk avtg on me. M wk bt nt stpd.

I dcd 2 ct on msf 4ver. GOD wl aws b wt m n i wl ol trst U GOD 1nol.

'.'

-kimhan-

Crapppzzz

Dnt gve me al des knd of shtz la. . .

M nt js antr 'chce' 4u k. Dnt mk me lke a fckn fool. If u dnt aprcte me dnt js fckn 'ply' me arnd. M nt smne 4u 2 cl wn u nd smne js 2 ps ur tme.

M nt exptn antng bt i js wnt 2b aprcte n b trtd s a frn nt a flr.

Hhs rli, cn ayne, ayne at al 2udrstd me? I cnt rli stnd at al. I 'crd' evy nte, js 2 clm mslf.

Hmm...

'.'

-kimhan-

400th Post!!

My 400th Post!!

Oh well, things rather dull, normal and quiet these days, these weeks, these months... Not expecting much!!

Just kinda disappointed in few things that really make me feel so uncomfortable...

Was in serious sick just yesterday...Took MC from work and slept throughout just to rest my body and mind....just to get speedy recovery....

Hmm....

Good Luck!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Importance of promises, bonds, and existence...

Let me ask you to ask yourself a very simple question, what does promises, bonds and existence mean to you?

After thinking about that try linking it back to your self, hoe does it affect yourself and why are these elements important?

Lastly, what can you do??

'.'

-kimhan-

不开心！

我不开心！！！

很不开心！！！

不要问我为什么！！！

就是不开心。。。。。。。。

'.'

-kimhan-

Get it Right

 What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight


'.'

-kimhan-

Candles~

 The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don't really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Could't finish what you started
Only darkness still remains

Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright

Been black and blue before
There's no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback's such a waste
You're invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright

One day
You will wake up
With nothing but you’re sorries
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I'll be alright


'.'

-kimhan-

Hard

Its tough!!!
Clueless....

'.'

-kimhan-

Been thinking....

I have been thinking a lot latelyyyyyyy...............

'.'

-kimhan-

screw it~

Feeling damn shitty!!

screw it lar!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Damn

F I dun need ur sympathy nor ur care!!! Damn it I feel so f useless!! Thanks for making my day!!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Dilemma.....s~

Recently having loads of dilemma's.....

Confusion between decision.....

Besides that, been thinking about myself, what did I do wrong? What should I do??

'.'

-kimhan-

tired...

I am reli tired...
My heart jus get weaker and weaker...
I shout like crazy to myself, slapping myself sometimes wanting myself to wake up to the fact, sometimes when I am alone...
I really don't know what else I can do...
I felt this way before, but this time is like so deep!! I don't know why? Can anyone tell me why??
I can feel the changes... I really don't want to care...
I always hold up my phone and want to start typing a message, at the end I cancel it all the time, knowing that there will be no reply at all....
Assumptions? No!! Its fact!! Its feel!! Its truth!!

I do not have the strengths and courage anymore...
I need to find it back!!
I will change in terms of my thinking!!

No longer wanna feel like a fool!!
No longer wanna be wait-ter....
No longer wanna be loser!!
No longer wanna be stupid!!

I just hope for happiness and no more!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Have you ever~

Have you ever wonder why sometimes things you do make you feel so useless?

Have you ever regret doing things that you do not feel like doing or making the wrong decision?

Have you ever regret not doing things you suppose to do?

Have you ever like/love a person past/present that you know it will not work out anyhow?

Have you ever wait for someone which you already know that there are no positive result to it?

Have you ever thought of someone you never expected to strike your mind when you are lonely or need of someone to talk to?

Have you ever regret not telling something simple/important to someone?

Have you ever wonder why is life so complicated?

Have you ever wonder why you could do so much things for someone not expecting anything in return?

Have you ever miss someone yet you cannot do anything about it?

Have you ever want someone special by your side day and night, just to walk life with you?

Have you ever hope/wish that you were someone better?

Have you have you have you.........

I can go all night long with this have you. I suppose to be studying my PCE exam, yet these stuff struck my mind. Its kinda random...lol~ just a thought!!

'.'

-kimhan-

I'm Gonna

I'm Gonna change!!!

This is my promise to myself!!!

'.'

-kimhan-

tired~

I am so tired!!

Tired of things.......

'.'

-kimhan-

seriously???

Seriously, do you even care??

I don't know..maybe you do....but then I dun think so myself..is just peer to peer surface care...thats why I don't think so myself....

Maybe is just myself expecting too much.....
Maybe I was hoping for miracle too much rather than waiting for miracle to happen...
Maybe I am just not qualify.....
Maybe I am just wasting my time thinking that it will be better....
Maybe I am.....

Oh well, where are you.......I needed you, just to listen to you, or maybe laugh with you or just be there for me whenever I needed you....but then, maybe I am too much.....yeah...

I know I am too much!!!

I am sorry...

'.'

-kimhan-

X x x x x x

I don't need another heart attack...

I don't need another reason....

'.'

-kimhan-

move!!

Its how you take the beating and stand up and continue the fight...rather than surrender with white flag and making the wrong decisions~

'.'

-kimhan-

..........

dunno wat to say...

I stared at the comp for so long, do not know what to write in blog or my facebook status or twitter....

I am just having a blank mind despite filled with so much assumptions and thoughts........

oh well, I just hope everything go well, and I am starting to let myself loose.

Sometimes when things don't go your way, you just have to take that beating and differences as a learning experience..and learn how to stand up and move again. yeah yeah i know it is so common that everyone will say same thing to motivate some one and etc...but then I am telling you, its hard.... but what the hell, I look like a fool...so why not i less make myself look like a fool and be normal..right?

k lar..randomz....

'.'

-kimhan-

e m o? R a N d O m z~

Enjoy~

'.'

-kimhan-

hard

Taking it hard!!

Being patient!!

'.'

-kimhan-

M u...

I disnt sleep well almost evernight, jus to think of possibilities abs probabilities that I hav to walk down the road wit someone u care that much...

I have been thinkin alot n u may say that i think a lot n yada yada.. The thing is I reli do care about it and everytime I'm jus worried n to add worse, it kept on increasing....

U may wonder who am I talking about or why am I so negative n emo...

Tell u what, I am a less emo guy since i came back from states and I am happy to remain that... Is just I can't stop my thoughts....

How I wish I have you and let me walk the journey with you.. hehhe but i knw things r nt easy.. Like wat ppl used to say, easy says than done... Hahah rite?

Anyway jus being sp damn random with my filled thoughts.... Expressing in blog without readers actually helps me despite even there are nt many readers when my blog ia open to public.. Hahaha...

Jus where r u when I need U everytime, mpst of the time, All D time....??

I M Y!

'.'

-kimhan-

Realise

Whats the fact and what is realistic?

Hrmmm....

When can I actually realise it? restless~

'.'

-kimhan-

Owl...

There r so much i want to talk to u, bt our talks r due....
I jus wish i can share n spend all my time talking, joking, laughing, crying, enjoying n many many more...

Im like an owl, sitting there waiting n looking only... Ntg moves... Jus the eyes observing from far away....

So much that I wanna hear from u, see u n jus smell the used to it smell...

But things n chances are due...

So much that i wish u will not fall again n be happy, so much that i want to be wit u...

Tell me how, what..... Can i do??

I am not emo, jus felt different n im not being me... Hmmmm....

I miss u...

'.'

-kimhan-

needed~

I need some one to talk to.....hmmm.....

Where are u when I need U??.....

dilemma, confuse.. Haihs...

'.'

-kimhan-

jobs

Mafan....zzz...

Done for the day finding available jobs and submitting resumes....

Tmr continue..hahaha...

'.'

-kimhan-

weird~

yjr grrzomh od dp erotf, niy o sq hpomh yp gsvr oy smuesu....

hppf zivl!!

'.'

-kimhan-

what theeeeeeee

what theee~

'.'

-kimhan-

辛苦

我真的很辛苦。。。

教教我应该怎么办吧？

真的很辛苦。。。

'.'

-kimhan-

Ha ha ha

Tis is so funny... Ha ha ha... Wateva...

'love d way u lie'...

'.'

-kimhan-

Confusin

It is so confuse... Haihsss

Hu hu hu hu~

It doesn't matter much~

I doubt there are much differences.. hehehe....

Don't wanna border so much di... Hehehe...

I shall just see what will happen lor~ hahaha....Will just smile always~!!

Heeee, wish for the best and hope for the best... Smiles~!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Kim o Kim~

W T F is wrong with me!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! HATE IT!!!!

'.'

-kimhan-

As it is...

As much as I can do, hope is the only thing I am looking for....

When days pass, will it affect or change anything. Certainly do not hope so...

'.'

-kimhan-

Findings....

I finally can see, can feel, can actually, finally understand how a person actually put u in their minds, lifes n etc....

It is not easy for me to actually 'analyse' this....

'you', 'qing', 'qi'.....

Hrmmmm....

ZzZ

Randomness....

'.'

-kimhan-

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

qsfr ia qu qomf~vwxpyaw u qibr xpew pbtniew~ur qukk vw rispt ibqpesa~

'.'

-kimhan-

Ejsyrbrt...

Lol ejsyrbrt zs....

Asyormvr od f pmzu lru.....

Ejsyrbrt!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Hate

Hate it!!!

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz....

I know I don't deserve better.....I understand, I truly understand......

I just wish thing will be better and brighter....=)

'.'

-kimhan-

A ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha....

Being dumb i guess...

Lol

O well...

'.'

-kimhan-

Er....

Whenever i learn how to trust someone....

Whenever i learn how to open up to someone....

Whenever....

Heeeee...

Wat to do? Not the first time...heheh

'.'

-kimhan-

F U n N y

Dotz~

'.'

-kimhan-

How should I say this?

I dunno how to say this......I really don't....heeeeeee....

'.'

-kimhan-

S o w e e b a ~

Sowee Ba~ Too excited~ hehehe...

Shhhh~ Like I always promise~ I will~ hehehe~

'.'

-kimhan-

How?

How now brown cow!!!!

This is just not wat i thought it will be.....

I apologize....

I dun feel good now....head turning n spinning, body aching, heart exhausted....

How now brown cow saya tak tauuuu!!!!!!

'.'

-kimhan-

Weird

It feels weird....

'.'

-kimhan-

i..a.....u....e...e.

i..a.....u....e...e.!

'.'

-kimhan-

痛

做好人被这样返回，心很痛。

'.'

-kimhan-

Decided~

Hahaha...Its almost two months now in US!!! woot!


Lets' see...things are working out just fine and normal here....Can't wait to start travel..hahahah....


CNY!!!! I am gonna miss all the foood!! OMG!!!!


Anyway, this post is not to update what's current....Just a random post...

Kim Han:

I am sorry, if I did anything wrong.

I am sorry for being so annoying.

I am sorry for being inconsiderate.

I am sorry if I make things worse.

I am sorry if I didn't help much.

I am sorry if I am being a jerk.

I am sorry for being useless to change things.

I am sorry for being just the bad side of me.

I am sorry for being sensitive.

I am sorry for being emo/moody.

I am sorry for thinking too much.

I am sorry for expecting too much.

I am sorry for everything...etc

I AM SORRY!!

I hope for forgiveness.

I hope for open-ness.

I hope for acceptance.

I hope for happiness.

I hope for wellness.

I hope for health-ness.

I hope for better-ness.

Decide: CHANGES

Hahaha...quite random izit? yeah...My thoughts can be so random at times....hehehehe.... Its boring, I know!! hehehee....Oh well, I just hope the message is meaningful, at least to me....hahahah

Till then

'.'

-kimhan-

Hrmmm~

I have been in US for a month plus already. The weather is so unpredictable here, sometimes rain, sometimes shine, sometimes snow..... But definitely one thing, it is getting colder and colder. Lol.

Work has been routine. It is getting bored and bored each day but then what to do? hehehe..no work no money mar right?

Well, honestly, living here independently is actually not a difficult thing. But when it is filled with things that you didn't expect, of course it will affect you. Right? hehehe...

Meet new people, see different people, see different characters, listen to different slangs, know different things, see how people deal with things differently, tried different food, see different things and etc. These are all happening.

Personal thoughts: Well, I just can't stand people who are not considerate and irresponsible.

Well, I will post most of my pictures in my facebook and my picture blog (not updated yet). So you all can enjoy just pictures and without reading my long winded 'speech'.

The connection here is so bad. Supposedly to have one of the fastest internet connection in the world? And what we are experiencing is so slow and not stable...zzzzz cannot blame anyone, cos line is shared by 8 people. Yes EIGHT PEOPLE!!!

Gonna miss Chinese New Year. Damn!! THE FOOD!!! O AM GEE!!! =/

But me and my friends are heading to New York on CNY! Maybe go China Town, statue of Liberty and etc. Woohoo.... Excited!!

Personal thoughts again: It is a challenge to deal with certain people.

So how are you all doing? hahaha Update me!!

Thats all for now...Wanted to upload pictures, but connection too slow...zzzz.....

Till then...

'.'

-kimhan-